Schladies, broads & dames: lend me your ears. I've got something so VITAL to share with you. There is one thing that I wish we could have ingrained into our education from an early age, something that cannot be overemphasized. Something we all need to know, but still have to learn over and over again. It's absurdly simple and can be boiled down to one phrase, that I'm fairly certain was a darling friend's status update awhile back:
homeboy don't think you're rad. homeboy just wants to fuck.
That's it. That's the lesson. And if we could just get this through our soft, romantic, smooshy brains, we'd save ourselves a lot of problems. We'd also probably have a lot fewer problems, because if we just could get to the point where we demanded respect rather than hooking up and hoping that the power of our vaginas will cause an emotional transformation in guys who just aren't lookin' for more from us, we'd have more energy to focus on making things that are possible and good for us happen.
I'm writing about this because it's something I have experience with-- I had a near perfect FWB relationship on and off for like six or seven years. And it's something a friend of mine has recently been going through. Her FWB fell for her and it quickly went ugly. He swears that she made promises to him that she never did. That by getting him undressed, they entered into some sort of social contract about the state of their relationship. And she wants none of it. In fact, she discovered this fact because she met someone else and wanted to end things. Although he's being pretty vicious and unreasonable (calling her at four am, stalking her facebook), he's reacting from a place of pain. And as undignified as it is to have such strong feelings for someone who doesn't have them back, it's a million times worse when those feelings are coupled with pain. So even though I'm writing from a place of female bias, be aware, this could happen to either party. I've definitely had more guys become way too attached in this sort of scenario. So females do not have the lock on the Affectionately Challenged role. You yourself could end up as the homeboy of the above cautionary tale.
Because that's all it is. A tale about getting tail, playing at something that is only ever half real.
I mean, I've heard it put better. Julie Klausner, who authored an amazing book called I Don't Care About Your Band (a part of which is the inspiration for the title of this blog), said that friends with benefits are like unicorns who shit cupcakes. They're fun to imagine, but no matter how hard you try to pretend, it's not real. You want to believe that's what's really going on.... yeah, it's probably not. You've either got two emotionally damaged people who are using each other (sometimes), two people who are into each other but refuse to admit it/are scared/ think the other doesn't feel that way and so use the FWB excuse to get close (rarely, unless you're the star of a romantic comedy aimed at twentysomethings) or one person who's REALLY into the other and is willing to be left holding the emotional doggy bag of being a regular, commitment-free lay while the object of their affections pursues whatever and whoever else on the side (most likely).
I know for me, personally, I've ruined a potential thing with at least a couple guys by pursuing this sort of agreement. And even when it HAS worked out to where nobody got really hurt, it still often leads to tension and the occasional long discussion in which you need to talk out some minor miscommunication that just wouldn't happen if either 1. everyone kept their pants on or b. people just took responsiblity for their emotions.
It's a weird tightrope to walk, trying to balance the emotions that inevitably will crop up when you're getting naked and up close with someone pretty frequently with no promises and the knowledge that this is something that you chose. That it seemed like a great idea at the time, even if for no other reason than it kept you from pursuing whatever else happened to be thrown in your path at a time when you did NOT need to be doing that. Because that is the truth of it, at least part of the time. It's nice to not be lonely. To know that you have someone you can call who will be there when you ask for them but won't stop you from chatting up that boy with the clever grin you keep seeing around.
Jealousy, desire for something more, even irritation with how empty things in these arrangements feel are pretty much normal. You want to either drop it completely or lay it all out on the line and hope the object of your (in)attentions is just waiting for you to grab them by the hand while the score swells to a glorious crescendo and speak the words, "Say. Say. Don't you see that you love me? That I love you?" And then you dance, oh, how you dance. But if it were really that simple and if your emotions were really that clear, you probably wouldn't be in a FWB situation in the first place.
So. In reality, how that probably goes is that you grab their hand drunkenly at last call while the jukebox blares Bombs Over Bagdad and slur, "Sup... we gettin' out of here later?" while something rather less enchanting than the music swells and as for the score, well... I hope you're not actually keeping count. I'll leave the dancing out of this out of pure decency.
You end up this half-kept secret. Sure, certain people can't help but know. But it's not something either of you is likely to advertise. You're not a couple. You are not the person they're going to be laughing with in their new facebook picture. And no matter how many cute little texts ya'll send to each other every single damn day, you do not have the assurance of knowing that you are the only one they sent that message to, the only person who receives witty updates on the state of their lunch, or the movie they're watching or how their busy work day is going.
But you also share things with each other that most people will never know about either of you. You get naked in any way, emotionally or physically, with someone and they know you in ways your very best friend may not. Hopefully, there's some sort of agreement on exactly what is strictly between you guys. You aren't going around blowing half the town just 'cause they couldn't free themselves up for an hour or so of rogering, one should hope. Hopefully you're being safe and responsible in the ways of getting tested and using some form of birth control, which, frankly, we should all be doing anyway. You have your little code, more than likely. Your little inside jokes and probably at least a few genuinely great memories of things you experienced with each other. Yet by the very nature of your arrangement, you also aren't to the point where you want to share any more of your life with this person. You're either emotionally unavailable due to fallout from past relationships (and in some cases, current) or just plain not that into them. And it can be a tough fuckin' call, even from inside your own head, as to which it really is. Because guess what? You could fall in love with that person. It's not unheard of and I myself know one blissfully married couple who started out that way (though you can bet they will totally sugarcoat that for the grandkids when the day comes). But more than likely, what is going to happen is that one of you is going to meet someone else. And the other is going to be a little blindsided, no matter how often they told themselves they knew it would happen eventually. And that hurts. Every single damn time, that hurts.
Because you have this person you opened yourself up to (ziiiiiiiiiiiiiing) and then they went and found someone else who had something you didn't. Who did something better, and you can't help but wonder if it was something that involved clothes being on or off. Biology is going to kick in, every time, and you're going to develop some sort of feelings for the person who sees without your cute going out shoes and your hair done up perfect. They see you with your make up half sweated off and your drunk self saying things you didn't mean to say and still they come back for more. That HAS to mean something, right?! Right???!!! Wrong. If you're desperately waiting for the person you're boning to read between the lines of what you say to him, you aren't being honest. You aren't being fair. And if they're sitting around allowing you to hurt them because it's within the parameters of what you more than likely arranged while intoxicated, they're stupid. Yes. I really do mean that.
I guess all I can say is, the lesson here is the same as it always is. Just be honest with yourselves, ya'll. Admit it if you want more from someone than you're currently getting. Or if you think they're wanting more from you. And maybe it'll work out. Maybe you're on the same page and you can make one, quick agreement and nobody has to sit around listening to Thanks, That Was Fun by Barenaked Ladies. Because you're both adults and know how to keep your hearts out of your pants. And if you're lucky, if you're so so lucky, you can trust them with that and you can trust yourself with it, too. And who knows? Maybe you'll be the one who can catch that unicorn. But I'll be curious to hear how those cupcakes taste after all.
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