I'm only just beginning...

You will inevitably fail. Not at everything, or even most things. But yes, even you will fail at something.
It's science.

Failure is a natural part of life. The sooner you accept that, the easier it will be. Or that's what I keep telling myself.

I've spent most of my life since leaving my hometown failing in one amusing way or another. I failed at graduating college while working two jobs. I am damn near legendary for failing at saving people who just don't want to be saved. I'm failing rull hard right now at getting my room cleaned 'cause I feel more like writing. And I continually fail at dating. A lot.

Yet every single time, I pick my ass back up. Always miraculously free of the kind of callouses that would make the kind of life I lead a hell of a lot easier to handle in a constantly happy state.

But I think about it a lot. I mean, some of us just make, well, choices and that leads to failure. Some of us have choices thrust upon us, and that leads to a worse kind of failure because you get frustrated at what little input you were allowed to have.

In case you didn't get it from the tone, it didn't work out with the guy in the previous blog. I guess he just didn't like me enough, which is fine, really; it's no more than every actual boyfriend I've ever had has done. *shrug*

It's how it does when it's me, ya'll. Oh well. We were kind of on the same page. I'm not saying it doesn't suck. But I'm also not saying it was anyone's fault.

I sang myself through these feelings today. Because I'm not heartbroken, I'm just not. Excited as I was, I didn't know where it was going. I wasn't throwing myself into it like 130bajillion% because contrary to popular belief, I DO have a brain that I occasionally use in a self-preserving fashion.

But I was a little sad. It's disappointing to be so excited about something, to envision this potential and want to know how it's going to turn out and then, nope. Apparently not. It's disappointing as hell.

But the thing about failure is that it shows you what doesn't work.
That's so valuable.

I obsess over my own flaws. I want to know, exactly and in excruciating detail, what's wrong with me, according to other people. Partially because I want to know everything everyone's ever thought, ever, but mostly because I want to know how much of what they think matches up. Like it holds me accountable. Not because it changes how I feel about myself.

I keep hoping that at some point, the things I will fail at are going to be things like "remembering why I was once rather insecure." Because being this way DEFINITELY doesn't work.

I've been trying so hard to change my life in the past two months. I even cut some people out of my life, which is unheard of for me. I never give up on anyone. Ever. Even when it's beyond obvious that I should. And it sucks, because part of being in transition means that people who don't have context for you see the ghosting of parts of your past along with the detritus you're casting around while trying to figure out what is necessary for you to salvage. And some of them don't like what they see. And some of them you fail. And some fail you, in terrible ways that still make you angry even weeks later.

And while I may jokingly describe success as being able to write as well as this scrumptious beauty, I don't really think that. 'Cause I think success has a lot more to do with who you love and why than anything else. And I just fail, every single time, at not making that my priority.

That's something that'll never change, no matter how far I run or how many other things do. It's nice to know, I guess that some things do work out okay. Even if it's not things you were sorta hoping would.

is new york city really like a graveyard they all ask me
and i say well it was last week but man that was in the past
see i stopped going to the places where the people act so nasty
and pretentious 'cause i'm happy sitting with my friends in sidewalk singing songs

and some people are still standing in the way of where i'm going
so i say please excuse me, step aside, or keep on moving
and i guess they sensed that my momentum meant that i was winning
but i'm only just beginning and i'd rather go with friends than go alone

and some people grab my hands and some people grab my shirt
some people race ahead to see if they can get there first
some people stay behind 'cause they've got something else in mind
whatever you decide if you are true to you you're gonna be alright

like akida he's a father now he is in love with amber
their baby's name is skyler he's a baby of the summer
i wonder as i wander if i'll ever settle down
or if every day i'll take my roots uprooted en route to another town

i was sitting on a couch somewhere watching vh-1
when i found out that bruce springsteen is his mother's only son
i'm my mother's only daughter and we were both born to run
even he says it's amazing raising babies in the place where you come from

but i am a rock tumbler i've got rocks inside my head
and just because they come out shining doesn't mean that they are diamonds
and i guess that my worst nightmare is your very favorite bar
when i'm worth my weight in shale and slate i'll know that i'm a super duper star

i'll be a great big ball of burning gas and i'll be sitting on my big fat ass
sipping cristal light beside a plastic wading pool
and the next day i'll be somewhere else part of me will hate myself
part of me will know deep down that i am pretty cool
the part of me that knows i never cared for being cool
the part of me that knows i'm really scared of being cool
the part of me that knows i never cared for being cool