The Hottest Hipster Of All Time.

 He's tall, he's beautiful. I've described him previously as looking like Clark Kent and Cillian Murphy had a baby, but he gets Clark Kent and Gotye more often. We're great friends now after an awkward period where I flirted with him in the lamest and most awkward way possible.

This is the story of how I met him.
When I was single and looking for nothing but nut, if you know what I mean, I happened to notice this guy at my Usual Bar. And BAM, he is my TYPE. Just gorgeous. I noticed him for several weeks, mostly 'cause I saw him wear a purple cardigan and my god, cardigans? Grrrrowl.... lemme tell you, a henley or a cardigan.

But I kept seeing him around, always playing pool, never with a girl. So, one night, I happen to point him out to the group by saying, "Oh my god, do you see that guy? The hipster?" and in MY bar, that's like being on a boat and saying, "Did you see that wave we just passed?" And after my friends began to question me about which one, I blurted out, "Oh come fucking on. How do you NOT know which one?? The purple cardigan! The fucking Buddy Holly glasses! That jawline!! He's the Hottest Hipster of All Time!"

After that, it became a game.
I'd wait for him to appear. I'd always want to just look at him. He's just so damn PRETTY.

Until one fateful night, I was hanging out with Superhero Friend and myfriendswhoareacouple. The female half knew well my infatuation with the aforementioned HHoAT. And while she has many alter egos that appear while drinking, my personal least favorite is Helping Hands Friend, who has advice and a solution for everything.... and that's who I happened to be drinking with that night. Now, I was actually actively boning a guy who was in fact hanging out with us. But... Superhero Friend had feelings for him. And being Helping Hands Friend, the female half of myfriendswhoareacouple started talking to me about that guy I kept talking about all the time. More than that! She offered to go TALK TO HIM FOR ME.

Now, I hate unsolicited advice at the best of times and when it comes to men, I have a lot of problems/issues/baggage, but clearly, if I'm getting involved in these situations in the first place, going up and talking to a dude isn't something I have a problem doing. So I politely declined her offer. Even though she made it about six more times, assuring me that it'd be fine and "not a big deal." I said no, a little less politely than before and she said, "Oh. Ok." She looked a little startled that I'd snapped, but c'mon, dude. I already said it once. 'Bout five minutes later, I look up and is anyone surprised to know that she'd gone up and started talking to him? No? Yeah.... I wasn't either. She brings him over to our group and in what may've been the least subtle drunk whisper of all time says, "Hey, my friend thinks you're hot!!!!" He looked at me (yeah, he looked at me BEFORE giving her a response), replied that wasn't interested, and thus my humiliation was complete. We moved on to other humiliating instances for that evening (my favorite story is still "I just wanna blow him, what's the big deal!" but thankfully that one is NOT about me). Now for most people, this would be embarassing enough.

But oh darlings, it's a story about me. So we all know it's not over yet.

A few weeks later, I'm at the bar with a different friend. Now this friend is anxious for me to get involved with someone other than the person I'm currently involved with and made no secret about that. So, when I pointed out that this mythical creature I'd described had just walked in the bar, naturally, she saw an opportunity. So she walked up to him and with even LESS finesse than Helping Hands Friend gave him the same routine. Same result. Only this time... I was that stranger who wasn't attractive enough for him to be interested in, I was a repeat offender who couldn't even man up and talk to him myself. Woof.

At this point, I was hoping he'd never come to my Usual Bar again and was halfway considering emigrating out of sheer shame. By this time, the situation that my two friends had wanted me to disentangle myself from had imploded and I was kinda looking around for something new. Lo and behold, he walks in. And to my surprise, starts talking to a very good friend of mine, Not Beetle. I can't resist! I have to know! I NEVER LEARN!

I walk up to Not Beetle and say, ok, how do you know that guy? Turns out they went to high school together. Turns out they're great friends. Then I make my mistake. When he asks me how I know him,I tell the truth. That I don't, but I see him around and I think he's really hot. I believe the next bit of dialog out of my mouth is something like this:

me: Oh, Christ, you cannot tell him I said that. Seriously, dude.
Not Beetle: Oh, don't worry, I won't.

And of course, NB wanders off, 'to get a drink.' Ha. Yeah right. Not five fucking minutes later, Not Beetle and I are having a completely different conversation and I compare a different embarrassing moment to all the times my friends have taken it upon themselves to talk to the HHoAT for me. Not Beetle blurts out, oh yeah, he mentioned that.
OHNOHEDI'N'T.
Oh yes. He did. Uh huh. Three friends in as many months. I wanted to die.

After this third encounter, I have to say something. I walk up to him at the bar and say, "So I hear my friends decided to humiliate me yet again in front of you. I didn't ask them to talk to you." He says, "It's cool. I'm glad you think that way." I didn't know if that was a dismissal or a line. I didn't know what to say. But I knew that this guy and I were FINALLY talking. And it could've been a terrible awkward mess. It wasn't. Thankfully. This story has a happy ending. Because thus, our friendship began. We exchanged numbers. We became text buddies. 

There were awkward interactions and such, but the possible flirtingish time passed, we overcame our mutual awkwardness, and established a relationship based on pure platonic wholesomeness. Now we're frens. And maybe someday, The Hottest Hipster of All Time himself can be my awkward wingman.
It's territory he knows well, after all.