I'll always be waiting for you...

When I think about love, I think about four things.

1. A mix CD I recieved when I was 18.
2. Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind
3. The moment my mom's bus left and I was alone in a new city my first day before college.
4. Ballet.

Especially when you're recently single and evaluating what exactly it is that you want out of your next potential relationship, you spend a lot of time thinking in the negative. You remember, possibly with shame and that deep feeling of embarrassment in your guts, some incident where you or your former paramour did not live up to your ideal and you tell yourself, you swear, you VOW, never again. I never want that again.

But that's the thing. That's a protest, and it's ill-organized and weak. It is not taking a stand. And although it's been attributed a million times, that old saying, If you don't stand for something, you'll fall for anything is nothing short of teeth-grindingly true.

People are so vague when you ask them, what are you really looking for in someone else? If they give you the whole truth, it's probably a clip from a movie or a snippet of a song or a feeling they had once, that connected some neural pathway to some other neural pathway and created this chemical reaction they decided was what love should be and feel like.

Like that mix CD. It was a perfect blend of songs of devotion and heartbreak. When you're 18, that's so ideal. Because you've got all these emotions and not enough places to put them. You're young, you're HUNGRY and you're terrified that life is going to pass you by and leave you with weaker memories than you'd like. And this CD, combined with the fact that I listened to it on a student tour of Europe, made the perfect recipe for that easy sort of young love. Granted, it ended like most relationships at that age do... I went away to college and started dating someone else. He was back home, still in high school and no matter how much I would listen to that CD and hear those lyrics and remember our stories, I wasn't anywhere near the level of emotional freedom and development that it would've taken to stay strong and make it work with someone in that kinda situation. But this was almost ten years ago, and I've got tons of stories where I was the bad guy... so why does it still matter?

 Because that CD was one of the few gifts I've gotten that was completely for me. It wasn't a lecture or something he made for me so that I could improve my taste in music under his tutelage. It was our story, his feelings and everything he wanted to tell me but had yet to (and in a few eerie ways, it was also a pretty damn good prediction of who I'd grow up to be). It was a love letter, the only one I've ever received. And that's where it becomes an ideal, that's where it's something I want in a relationship. I want someone to know that what I like matters. To give me something that means something to them, yes, but is meant for me. Not a t-shirt you buy from a store you know I hate that I'll wear out of obligation.

Maybe things would be easier if we all really tried to look at what we WANT, rather than what we don't. At what would work instead of what just feels good in the moment. I'm a sloppy dater, like anyone else is. I meet someone (usually at the bar or a party) and instinct takes over. Adrenaline kicks in and once the flurries of texts are flying, it's hard to remember how much you like this person based on their known qualities. You just remember that this person remembers what drink you like and sent you that really witty reference to a show of which you are a huge fan. I think it's how many of us end up either ignoring huge glaring compatibility issues that plague relationships for years. I think it's how we often end up so heartbroken, saying, but how could this not work out?

I'm trying really hard, just like I have the past couple years, to really face things head on and with my eyes open. Even if this isn't the path that leads me to true love or even my next relationship, I want to know exactly what it is that I'm seeing. And I can put on that mix and hear that punk version of Every Breath You Take, Falling For You, Only In Dreams, Shiver, The Scientist, Why Do You Want Him, I Am A Rock I Am An Island, Ocean, Why Do You Want Him, Call and Answer, Only In Dreams and most of all, Alison and remember that once, someone looked at me with their eyes open and how goddamn amazing it felt. And that it's exactly how I think part of it, maybe a much smaller part than now, should've been.

After all, inspite of my fuck ups and silly ways, my aim IS true.