When you have a brain like mine, a life like mine and you have to write, HAVE to write or you lose your mind, this is home; it's totally necessary. You need these words and the freedom of putting them where they aren't echoing in your brain and aching in your bones.
It's worry-making when what you're writing about is your life and people you love and care about and interact with, though. And I'm not the kind of person who wants to be passive aggressive. When it comes to aggression, I'm more the regular kind. So when I write about feelings on here, it's not with the intention of being mean. And it's never because I don't know how to deal with the situation in real life.
It's that it's in my head and when it's there it's white noise and waves crashing onto a beach like so many mixed metaphors. But when it's here? I can see it for what it really is and that is so wonderful.
So. Let me see, how to put this.
Well, have you ever gotten yourself worked up over a situation? Something you couldn't control, a puzzle you were working yourself to the bone to solve? Then suddenly, you're given a piece of information that fits into all the gaps, something vital that you didn't even know was missing; it fits perfectly and makes you see the whole thing, the actual picture, for the first time. Because you were so busy trying to master it, to make it fit together, you just never saw. But once you finally see it, everything changes. And it stops being about how to solve it. You can let that go, because you have a better perspective.
Freedom is never in the places you think it'll be.
And can I just tell you how phenomenal that feels? Right now?
People can't always look into their hearts and interpret the mess that they find there in a logical fashion. And while it's nobody's fault, it sucks to look back on something and realise how little you knew about what was going on. Especially when you're someone like me, who defaults to defensive arrogance when confronted with something that just plain doesn't make sense. I hate being that person. I really do. I hear the words that happen out of my mouth and I just want to hide my face in a pillow, like I do during embarrassing scenes in movies. My biggest flaw may be my lack of imagination, but a close second is my desire to have all the answers the second I pose a question. Even moreso when I really thought I had it all together-- or together enough to be able to have questions about it in the first place, anyway.
The process of putting yourself back together sometimes means that just having plans stripped away is a relief, whether you really wanted what you were planning or not. Finally finding that little piece of the puzzle in the sofa of your soul that lets you walk away from something you just can't solve is kinda the best damn thing sometimes. Regardless of the fallout or how stupid you feel having made a big deal out of something that it turns out, wasn't, at least you know it's over. It ends up being just one more step in the process instead of something you're lost in. It's an immediate answer, clean and precise, instead of a layered series of questions that may not evoke any response worth having. And that's important.
If you can't see what you're doing, and I mean the whole picture, you're not going to put yourself back together right. You can't walk around with this half-assed Escher soul and a Picasso heart. Fuck the puzzle you're failing to solve, it's your pieces that you need to fit. It's ok to make mistakes. It's ok to get angry. It's always ok to be a little fucked up. But you can't live there. Sooner or later, you've gotta try to look around to spot what's stopping you from seeing. Chances are it's a tiny piece. So even if it's something that you carry with you as you walk away, I can guarantee you that it's still lighter than the weight of not knowing and carrying around all these possibilities in your skull. Oddly enough, nothing is heavier than things that end up having never been real to begin with.
No comments:
Post a Comment