There's this weird thing I've noticed in a bunch of my friends. They sit around and talk shit about all their other friends because their buddies haven't got their shit together, with the implication being that the person doing the shit talking does--which is rarely ever the case. Most of the people I really love are about the same: they've got a good job or a nice car or are in a steady relationship or something that gives them the feel of respectability. But I know they all do things that are simply jaw-droppingly stupid. And I know because honestly, for a lot of them, I'm one of the ones who helps them pick up the pieces. Because I don't judge. Because I understand. This may come as a surprise, but I do jaw-droppingly stupid things, too. Kind of professionally. I hope you haven't died from the shock of this admission. I've got my mind mostly together, but my life is a mess. I know this. I wouldn't have a blog with these kind of stories if it weren't, ya'll. So don't think I'm trying to judge or preach when I say the following:
Just because you always land on your feet does not mean your shit is together.
Ask yourself something. Did you get that nice car entirely on your own? How about your flashy, 'grown-up' job--do you wake up every day thrilled to go to work? How together would you be if suddenly, nobody was there to help you? How much of what you've "accomplished" would stand up on its own if you had to go it alone? And how much is based on, well, you choosing some arbitrary fact to lord over those around you because you're scared or feeling unfulfilled?
I know that for me, it's taken a combination of luck and the people who love me to get me through most of my disasters. Whether it's a romantic entanglement gone awry, all the times my darling dog has decided to try to take on a beast four times her size or just the lonely awkward parts of being human, I've managed to skate across some fucking thin ice by chance and with a helping hand. And I understand the need to share with someone what's on your mind, especially with a particular friend who's irritating you or hurting you or just plain being goddamn stupid. Just don't use some arbitrary fact to act like you're better than those you surround yourself with, because if you need that kind of distraction, you've got bigger problems than whether you're together or not. Trust.
So here's a suggestion. Instead of acting like you're the only one of your group of friends who's an adult, who's got it all figured it, climb off your damn high horse and realise that you surround yourself with these people for a reason. Whether you want it to be true or not, we're all narcissistic enough to care about people who remind us of ourselves. So if all your friends are trainwrecks, well, brother: choo choo.
At least in my life, I'm all about family. I'm all about community. I think the people that I choose to spend my time with are far more important than the things I do--maybe that's why I completely lack ambition. Caring about people comes naturally to me, as does my willingness to jump in at a moment's notice and save the day. Or beat you down with what one of my favorite humans describes as The Righteous Stick of Learning. So I use so much energy loving/worrying about everyone around me, I'll never be able to single-mindedly pursue what others would view as a great career or get really into politics like so many people. Or maybe I'm just so grassroots you can't even see the sprouts of what I'm hoping to achieve.
My activism is something much smaller than any grand scale movement, less flashy and doesn't require a single moment holding a picket sign or a petition. I'm going to be the person who makes their life a little harder at times to help someone who needs them. I'm mostly going to just try to be fulfilled and content with what I have and to to take care of my little chosen family as best as I can. I don't think that makes me better than anyone else. I'm aware that a lot of times it makes me do stupid things that don't even help. But it is how I live my life.
Not everyone wants to save the world. But nobody wants to be alone or let everything crumble into dust. So maybe if we all take care of just a few people around us, we can save so much more than this vague idea, we can save ourselves.
So please, guys, if you're hurting, if you're aching, don't focus on the parts of your life you think are better than other people's. Focus on the fact that you probably have someone who has your back, who doesn't care if suddenly your car breaks down, your job lets you go or you're in a relationship with someone who doesn't even understand you but looks great in pictures.
There is so much more to life than that, then this made up scale of what 'together' is or isn't. It's like listening to the harmony while being deaf to the melody. Nobody cares how postcard perfect the picture in your head is when you're calling down others' lives in comparison. You may hear the glorious crescendo of your own perfect little symphony but to anyone else, it's just a random string of notes, warbling and incomplete. It'll never be as together as the most vile, off-key but whole piece of music. Because that's what I feel my kind of person has to offer. We aren't always pretty to look at, we're fucked up and we're messy, but underneath it all, you can hear it, the love and genuine excitement we have for living and caring about each other. For my part, I'd rather have that. I'd rather sing out loud and know I'm hearing every note than ever be more concerned with how it looks to anyone else. That's just how I know my kind of people. I can hear them coming long before I ever notice how they look.
To quote Leonard Cohen, We are ugly but we have the music.
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