I think they make a cream for that...

I learned a really important lesson recently, which was during my birthday and involves several gentlemen and my distinguished ability to play bumper cars with my entire body and the world when I really decide to get down. And by down, I do mean weebles wobble and, unlike what you've been told, they do fall down, especially when this particular weeble decides to drink Rumpleminze and wear sparkly fantastic four inch birthday heels.

It was hilarious for all sorts of reasons but mainly reminded me that there was this ITCH I had to scratch, one I'd been trying to ignore for weeks. I gave in and it all went fine, especially once I really looked at what was going on. My roommate pointed out that the whole birthday week was a little nuts... I kind of single-handedly broke the world, honestly. No, I dunno. Everyone was a little crazy, and there was a wonderful and hilarious story in which my very awesome best friend ended up trying to stop me from wrapping myself around one of the gentleman like I was a starfish and his face was a clam and she accidentally broke our front window. Yeah. That happened.

 But this really illuminated a lot of things I've had a difficult time working out, one of which is the difference between being attracted to someone and wanting a real relationship with someone.

This seems like something really obvious, but you have to remember, I am oftentimes a high-level functioning moron. Things written in letters four feet high and shoved under my nose sometimes aren't enough.

There's this guy I exclusively refer to as The Hottest Hipster of All Time, who I am not actually interested in or attracted to, but I like to talk to. There's guy I met at St. Patrick's Day. There's the Trivia Guy who stuff didn't work out with. And there's The Ex About Whom This Blog Was Intended to Be. We'll find a better nickname soon, I'm sure.

I've made a lot of situations WAY worse by being unaware of the difference between those two things. And it's not just me. I've seen a couple people I love way hard fall into this same trap lately.

It's nice to know this. Seriously. It has made SO many parts of my life make so much more sense and finally got this nagging itch to go away... I think for good, which is awesome.

Here's the thing...

This is an unabashedly sentimental entry.
The thing is, ya'll, I am a guy's gal. I don't care how often I wear 5 inch heels. I don't care how well I can apply make up or read body language or that I kinda like astrology. I get along better with men. There's less drama. There's less competition. And there's less concern over when your female supposed-bestie is going to use a situation against you and justify it because of her emotions (re: her clitoris). I'm not saying I'm not guilty of the same damn things, but isn't that the issue? We wage this warfare against ourselves, against our own KIND, and that's why men rule the world. They don't discriminate as far as gender when it comes to wanting to dominate. We do.

I think this is kinda why I have a history of living with gamer boys and punk boys. I think this is why I find bi guys really attractive--a little bit of woman in a whole lot of man. I think this why I always end up being like every other girl, disappointed and hurt with a story of a former best friend, a SOUL SISTER, that did her wrong. It's just how it goes.

While I don't find it hard to make friends with women, I definitely find it hard to keep friendships with them. Love isn't enough. Not bullshitting them isn't enough. Something is going to come between you, and frankly, it probably made at least one of you cum. It's a tragedy, really; nearly worth of Shakespeare, if Portia would let something like that bullshit happen. (Ophelia, oddly enough, couldn't be revived for comment.)

But yeah, no, cute little quips aside, the way I cherish my schladies is sacred to me. Because in my life are some beautiful, hardcore, blunt, badass women. And every single day, I cherish the fact that these people love me. Because their love is proof positive that maybe, maybe, I'm learning to do something right. I feel that time after time of disappointment has simply been the process of weeding out those who will damage and keep me from growing. I left all the chaff behind and damn, can I just say? I got the creme de la creme. Ya'll should be jellyfish to the extreme or alternately, eternally grateful that you have these women in your life as well. I'm just sayin'.

I have a Superhero Friend who's willing to pull my Instead Cup out of me. I only get one, but still. C'mon!
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I have a very recent addition to my love fest. We met at trivia, we were interested in the same guy (unbeknownst to her) and he played games by being interested in one then the other without ever telling her what the score was (btw, I knew. It didn't end well.). We can both see past that, which is RARE. We should hate each other. Instead? We sing Vanilla Ice Cream by Stephen Lynch on repeat while going on Adventures. We talk and text every day and see each other most days. She drove me to the St. Patrick's Day Party where I took a shot every time the guy I had invited said something that irritated me (I will post a picture of the ensuing bruise once I get around to putting that moment down to posterity). She also drove me home, an act which has earned her a fucking medal.

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I have college Friend. She stuck with me through the The Gail Encounter (see Rebounds Can Be Ugly. for more details.) She has seen me through my gutter punk ex, the military ex, horrible roommates, dropping out of college, and a million other undignified moments in my post-pubescent life. She is a continuous source of encouragement, love, positive energy, and love. I can't imagine my life without her and I am so proud of her every success.

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This is a quote from a friend, a conversation we had drunkenly in the bathroom at my Usual Bar:
"I ran into Superhero Friend at Dropkick Murphy's and we were talking about how brutally honest you are, and how it sometimes hurts our feelings, but you know, that's why we love you."

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I have a non-biological sister who has been a continual presence in my life for 20 years. She is everything I could ever ask for from family. She is beautiful, smart, a wonderful mother, person, and friend. Everyone is continually astonished by her and I don't blame them. She is better than anyone I will ever know and that's just facts.

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I have a best friend who is always there to pick my ass up and I am there to pick hers up. The distance between us is irrelevant but sucks. We take joy in the time we spend together on the phone, texting, facebooking; hell, even thinking about how the people I'm physically with aren't as good as her ends up being a great night because I get to remember all the things we've been through. Driving for six hours straight to pick up a phone that was an hour away. Our exes. Sangria from the grocery store. Going to her apartment after I was stuck in a barracks room for 21 days. She is my other half. I don't know how I got this lucky.

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Me: Oh, honey. I go through The Mens like cheap vodka on 2 dollar well nights.

Her: cheers to that. eventually you'll get stuck on one. then you'll get so goddamn drunk.

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I have a friend who wants to write a memoir together when we hit our mid thirties. We have lived some shit. She gave her boyfre'n a Plan B box filled with conversation hearts for Valentine's Day while I was sitting around trying to be super casual with the guy shit didn't work out with.

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And on and on it goes. I could keep posting our conversations, but you know who you are. And I have said before, and I'll say it again, you guys help make me realise that I have to be doing something right. I have friends like you who keep me on my toes and love me anyway. Because it's like you guys see into the heart of all the stupid ass things I do and understand that I'm just trying to make it through.

Oh god, ya'll, that's the best part.
My friends get me.

They Don't Love You Like I Love You.

I don't think I'm ever going to be able to stop splattering my heart like so much roadkill across Magnolia Ave.
Maybe it's a problem I have. Maybe I should look into reading some Pia Mellody and become my own Self-Help Guru.
I won't though, ya'll.
I'm flirting with this guy. I made a joke about being in a flirtationship. Which is a cute little portmanteau, but I honestly really hate this kind of ambiguity. It makes me super neurotic because I don't know what he wants, and to a very real extent, neither do I. I had a legit jealousy fit last night as I thought he was flirting with my last ex best friend. And honestly, it was more because I really have issues with her, especially when it comes to her behaviour concerning dudes. But it's a nasty pattern that I'm familiar with, feeling this anxiety and nervousness about a dude because I don't know what's going on or what's going to happen... I should probably just call it quits and save myself the brain issues.
I think part of the issue is that I'm getting really used to being alone. Or maybe this is what having standards is like. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I dunno.
It's getting pretty messy up in my head lately. I guess I took the not-quite-break-up with Trivia Guy a little more seriously than I thought I did. That and his indiscretions as far as giving other people information that wasn't necessary. It's sticking in my craw. And I see him every single week, twice a week without fail. I never got any sort of closure or a resolution. And I still want one, damnit. I want him to admit that he did something really fucked up, several times. I want to know that he feels bad.
.... and dammit, guys, I want my friend back. I have years of knowing this dude. I don't like this feeling. I don't like it at all.
See, this is where the being my own guru thing would really help out, because I could tell myself that I don't need his input to validate me. I know that he did me wrong. And I know that's what I've actually been upset about the entire time.
But I also know it's been a long time since somebody actually liked ME. It's like they get drawn into being attracted to me, they like my energy and the attention that I give them. But that's as far as it goes and it takes them too long to figure that out. We're already regularly in bed together or "basically" dating... or ACTUALLY dating. This one guy even told me last year how bad he felt that he just didn't have feelings for me. That he tried and really, really wanted to, but it just wasn't there. This one guy? Man, it feels like all the guys.
And I guess that was the problem with Trivia Guy. It's like, in my head, the conversation went like this:
TG: I just don't have those sparkley feelings for you.
Me: Oh. Well... thank you for being honest with me, Guy I Boned When I Was Sad. OH! Sorry, I meant Future First Ex Husband. OH, dammit, no... I know which one you are, Military Ex. SHIT! Trivia Guy! You're Trivia Guy! Right...
Just like that. Pie after pie in the face. But I've started to realise.... mostly, I am asking for just that. I don't want to be with these guys any more than they wanna be with me. I just want the idea. No wonder it makes me act a fool. I am not in a place for a relationship right now. I mean, hell. I have a lot to do, for ME. I guess that's why I haven't been with anyone, really, since he and I stopped seeing each other. It's one thing to be interested in this guy who is SO out of my league. But that's not really what I want. I mean.
It's like someone pointed out to me... if I wanted to be married by now, I would be. And possibly divorced. Because it's not like I didn't have prospects. And it's not like I won't have them again.
So do I keep doing this? Talking to these guys (if I'm honest, it's guys) that I know I don't see anything with, other than possibly a friendship? Or do I just want to let this all work itself out and stop working myself up into a froth? Am I ok with having a dance party by myself in my bedroom, singing Maps to my dogs on a Friday night? Am I cool with the fact that I went on a date with my smartphone the other day in a very crowded bar, where I just ignored everyone?
Honestly. Yeah.
Cause wait.