I don't think I'm ever going to be able to stop splattering my heart like so much roadkill across Magnolia Ave.
Maybe it's a problem I have. Maybe I should look into reading some Pia Mellody and become my own Self-Help Guru.
I won't though, ya'll.
I'm flirting with this guy. I made a joke about being in a flirtationship. Which is a cute little portmanteau, but I honestly really hate this kind of ambiguity. It makes me super neurotic because I don't know what he wants, and to a very real extent, neither do I. I had a legit jealousy fit last night as I thought he was flirting with my last ex best friend. And honestly, it was more because I really have issues with her, especially when it comes to her behaviour concerning dudes. But it's a nasty pattern that I'm familiar with, feeling this anxiety and nervousness about a dude because I don't know what's going on or what's going to happen... I should probably just call it quits and save myself the brain issues.
I think part of the issue is that I'm getting really used to being alone. Or maybe this is what having standards is like. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I dunno.
It's getting pretty messy up in my head lately. I guess I took the not-quite-break-up with Trivia Guy a little more seriously than I thought I did. That and his indiscretions as far as giving other people information that wasn't necessary. It's sticking in my craw. And I see him every single week, twice a week without fail. I never got any sort of closure or a resolution. And I still want one, damnit. I want him to admit that he did something really fucked up, several times. I want to know that he feels bad.
.... and dammit, guys, I want my friend back. I have years of knowing this dude. I don't like this feeling. I don't like it at all.
See, this is where the being my own guru thing would really help out, because I could tell myself that I don't need his input to validate me. I know that he did me wrong. And I know that's what I've actually been upset about the entire time.
But I also know it's been a long time since somebody actually liked ME. It's like they get drawn into being attracted to me, they like my energy and the attention that I give them. But that's as far as it goes and it takes them too long to figure that out. We're already regularly in bed together or "basically" dating... or ACTUALLY dating. This one guy even told me last year how bad he felt that he just didn't have feelings for me. That he tried and really, really wanted to, but it just wasn't there. This one guy? Man, it feels like all the guys.
And I guess that was the problem with Trivia Guy. It's like, in my head, the conversation went like this:
TG: I just don't have those sparkley feelings for you.
Me: Oh. Well... thank you for being honest with me, Guy I Boned When I Was Sad. OH! Sorry, I meant Future First Ex Husband. OH, dammit, no... I know which one you are, Military Ex. SHIT! Trivia Guy! You're Trivia Guy! Right...
Just like that. Pie after pie in the face. But I've started to realise.... mostly, I am asking for just that. I don't want to be with these guys any more than they wanna be with me. I just want the idea. No wonder it makes me act a fool. I am not in a place for a relationship right now. I mean, hell. I have a lot to do, for ME. I guess that's why I haven't been with anyone, really, since he and I stopped seeing each other. It's one thing to be interested in this guy who is SO out of my league. But that's not really what I want. I mean.
It's like someone pointed out to me... if I wanted to be married by now, I would be. And possibly divorced. Because it's not like I didn't have prospects. And it's not like I won't have them again.
So do I keep doing this? Talking to these guys (if I'm honest, it's guys) that I know I don't see anything with, other than possibly a friendship? Or do I just want to let this all work itself out and stop working myself up into a froth? Am I ok with having a dance party by myself in my bedroom, singing Maps to my dogs on a Friday night? Am I cool with the fact that I went on a date with my smartphone the other day in a very crowded bar, where I just ignored everyone?
Honestly. Yeah.
Cause wait.
Maybe it's a problem I have. Maybe I should look into reading some Pia Mellody and become my own Self-Help Guru.
I won't though, ya'll.
I'm flirting with this guy. I made a joke about being in a flirtationship. Which is a cute little portmanteau, but I honestly really hate this kind of ambiguity. It makes me super neurotic because I don't know what he wants, and to a very real extent, neither do I. I had a legit jealousy fit last night as I thought he was flirting with my last ex best friend. And honestly, it was more because I really have issues with her, especially when it comes to her behaviour concerning dudes. But it's a nasty pattern that I'm familiar with, feeling this anxiety and nervousness about a dude because I don't know what's going on or what's going to happen... I should probably just call it quits and save myself the brain issues.
I think part of the issue is that I'm getting really used to being alone. Or maybe this is what having standards is like. Or maybe I'm doing it wrong. I dunno.
It's getting pretty messy up in my head lately. I guess I took the not-quite-break-up with Trivia Guy a little more seriously than I thought I did. That and his indiscretions as far as giving other people information that wasn't necessary. It's sticking in my craw. And I see him every single week, twice a week without fail. I never got any sort of closure or a resolution. And I still want one, damnit. I want him to admit that he did something really fucked up, several times. I want to know that he feels bad.
.... and dammit, guys, I want my friend back. I have years of knowing this dude. I don't like this feeling. I don't like it at all.
See, this is where the being my own guru thing would really help out, because I could tell myself that I don't need his input to validate me. I know that he did me wrong. And I know that's what I've actually been upset about the entire time.
But I also know it's been a long time since somebody actually liked ME. It's like they get drawn into being attracted to me, they like my energy and the attention that I give them. But that's as far as it goes and it takes them too long to figure that out. We're already regularly in bed together or "basically" dating... or ACTUALLY dating. This one guy even told me last year how bad he felt that he just didn't have feelings for me. That he tried and really, really wanted to, but it just wasn't there. This one guy? Man, it feels like all the guys.
And I guess that was the problem with Trivia Guy. It's like, in my head, the conversation went like this:
TG: I just don't have those sparkley feelings for you.
Me: Oh. Well... thank you for being honest with me, Guy I Boned When I Was Sad. OH! Sorry, I meant Future First Ex Husband. OH, dammit, no... I know which one you are, Military Ex. SHIT! Trivia Guy! You're Trivia Guy! Right...
Just like that. Pie after pie in the face. But I've started to realise.... mostly, I am asking for just that. I don't want to be with these guys any more than they wanna be with me. I just want the idea. No wonder it makes me act a fool. I am not in a place for a relationship right now. I mean, hell. I have a lot to do, for ME. I guess that's why I haven't been with anyone, really, since he and I stopped seeing each other. It's one thing to be interested in this guy who is SO out of my league. But that's not really what I want. I mean.
It's like someone pointed out to me... if I wanted to be married by now, I would be. And possibly divorced. Because it's not like I didn't have prospects. And it's not like I won't have them again.
So do I keep doing this? Talking to these guys (if I'm honest, it's guys) that I know I don't see anything with, other than possibly a friendship? Or do I just want to let this all work itself out and stop working myself up into a froth? Am I ok with having a dance party by myself in my bedroom, singing Maps to my dogs on a Friday night? Am I cool with the fact that I went on a date with my smartphone the other day in a very crowded bar, where I just ignored everyone?
Honestly. Yeah.
Cause wait.
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